May 2009
I never intended to Transition, but that is what I seem to be doing. I am a long way off from achieving this Goal. I would never have credited that I was more female inside then male. I knew from a Child that I was different to others, but never showed it physically, or externally.
Like most people who occupy the T-part of the Spectrum. I tried to hide how I was feeling on the Inside, from friends and family, as well as at School. I played the typical role of an outwardly normal male who played football, Rugby, and did all of the outward going Rough and tumble sports that one would expect, from normal male Teenagers. I joined my older Brothers Club, called SPLAT, and it was made up of Charles my brother, and Graham. We would play War Games which consisted of mock escapes, from a German Prisoner of War Camp as well as daring imaginary missions, such as Spying on the enemy. This was the rival gang, run by a much older lad David A. He was tough, and outgoing and he had two other friends in the Group. In those heady days of the 1970's, Gangs were pretty benign. They Consisted of your Head Quarters, and Tree House. You had nothing more than Mud Bombs, Firecrackers, and lived outdoors all the time. All of Our Houses, backed onto a large field and Woodland. I did whatever was necessary to fit in, including fighting, throwing mud bombs, playing Cricket on the back field and in Winter we challanged the other Gang, to Football on the field. David A, and Ian H, would be Arsenal and the Liverpool Goally, Ray Clemance. Then, Liverpool, were the dominant team in The Old Division One of English football. I while good at Sports, and Soldiering, felt alienated on the inside from my Testacles, and body evidence. I felt that I was a Girl, even if others could not see the Sign Stamped on my foorhead. I was so afraid, and insisted that I was a boy which of course I was, at least externally. I rode a Chopper Bike, with its U framed handlebars, and received an Evil Knieval wind up Action Doll on a Motorbike. It was one of my favourite Toys. However I felt no real connection of affinity to it. What I wanted really more than anything else in the World, was a Girls Doll. I would go into toy shops, and see all the pretty Dolls on the Top Shelf and Counter. I felt Strange inside, and can remember that I wanted one. I had this fantasy every time I went to sleep that I would go to bed as a Boy and I would wake up as a Girl.
When it came to Birthdays I was always disappointed by the toys and presents that my Mum would buy. I wanted to find one of those beautiful Dolls wrapped up in the shiny Christmas wrapping paper, left under the Tree.However on the inside I felt to be honest that I was a Girl. I would go the Toilet, and preferred to Sit down on the Toilet, to urinate, rather than Stand up. I knew that I did not fit in, but I never work out why.
I preferred Solitary activities, and would spend large amounts of time on my own. I was a keen naturalist, and brought a flowerpress. I would spend a large amount of time exploring and walking in the Outdoors, looking for plants, or Birdwatching. The Open Field was not without its dangers. The two, local Schoolboy Bullys called the S Brothers, were into Frontiermanship. They were in there teens, and all had AirGuns. They spent a large amount of time firing there large Airrifles at Rabbits, and Pigeons. How I hated them for that, the male hunting instinct to shoot, wound and kill poor creatures.
I would always act in those days Hyper Male. A local Biker Gang of Hells Angels Wannabe's congregated on the Field, in a rally of twenty bikers. They were made up of the local male population. To prove that I was more male than male, my brother and I, when we were eight, walked up to them. When you are young you generally fearless, so I taunted them, and called them a bunch of Chickens. They replied they would skin us when they caught up with us The C******. They started the engines of there Bikes, and they came roaring after us. We ran as fast as we could and jumped a Stream and returned to the Safety of the Garden, and we went inside, locking the Door. My mother who was making Pancakes, turned to us, " Is something wrong", and we both said "No in Unison". We believed we were safe and that was it. How wrong could we be. About 10-30 there was a roaring of Bikes, this was followed by a load Crash. The Front Window exploded with Shards, and a Brick came flying threw. My mother and father went outside, to see who had done it, and the Biker rushed off into the distance. My farther reported it to the police and we kept quiet, in a guilty silence, because we did not want anyone to know especially the Police. We both felt it was cool, or admittedly it was a stupid thing to do.
All the time however my feminine Whiles and strange feelings started to Grow. I went to bed and fell asleep believing that I was Girl and would wake up to be one. I had strange picture in my head of making a cake, in a Girls dress with my mother in the Kitchen. I would always awake and be brought back to reality with a bang. I was indeed a boy still.
However on the inside, I felt to be honest, that I was a Girl. I would go the Toilet, and preferred to Sit down on the toilet, to urinate, rather than stand up. When I was about eight after Primary School, I went with my mother on a shopping trip. My mother wanted a new Bra, and Underwear, and for some strange reason, that day, I pleaded with my mother to be taken into the Female Lingerie Shop, Contessas. It started to come onto rain, and my Coat did not have a hood. I felt so happy and strange inside, because here I was in a female wonderland, of Clothes models with all sorts of exotic lingerie. I felt strange and sad, as well as elated, because my Goal was in reach, but I had no hopes of achieving it. I promised myself quietly, that one day I would turn into a Girl, and be able to go lingerie shopping, and buy my first Bra, like all normal teenage Girls do. My mother brought some panties, and these elderly Shop assistants, all smiled, and looked down on me. How old is he, and my mother replied eight, smiling back. She was so proud of me, but I was so embarrassed and shy. I felt that these elderly women had an x ray sense and could work out what I was thinking in terms of my shameful strange thoughts. I was basically all alone with this strange feeling of being at least on the inside a Girl.
My first Girl Friend came when I was Eight. A new family arrived, and she was called Leslie. She was one of the prettiest, Girls, I had ever seen, with long dark straight hair, and the most expensive dresses. I was riding my Chopper Bike and she was playing in the front Garden with her toys, and her latest Christmas present, a Nookie Bear. I drove my Chopper bike, hard and fast and did wheelies in the air, of the Rockery Garden at the top. I came off, because I was trying to impress her too much. She ran over, concerned to see if I was okay. I said I was, and her mother patched me up from the Cuts and Grazes. I returned to the Garden and was given an Ice Pop and I helped her play Doctors and Nurses with the Bears, in some kind of tea party.
It felt good, because I had now become her best friend. I had gained entry into an exclusive female Friendship club. I of course, never let onto her, how I felt inside. If I tried to do normal Male things, by being a boyfriend, ergo, no one would know that I was really a Girl. It was the closest to female companionship I have ever come to. She would talk about boys and pal me up and introduce me to her other Girl friends. One day her big Sister took me out on a date with her in the back seat to the Town and a Great big Sweet Shop. To Celebrate her birthday we got lovely candy. It was all sweet and innocent, and nothing really happened. I did not realise but Leslie and I had developed a close friendship. On her tenth Birthday Leslie revealed to me that her family were to move out. They were going to live in the USA, Michigan. I pretended to be happy for her, but was heatbroken on the inside, as I would never see her again. The fateful day came and she gave me a small peck on the Cheek. I felt wierd inside, and grew bright red. We swapped addresses, and we all promised to write. However after the first two letters, I did not receive any more from her. I guess she had grown out of love, and found new friends. I went around feeling heartbroken and dejected inside. It was not because I really liked Leslie, but because I missed the female companionship. How was I ever going to learn how to be a Girl ?
In the 1970's two of the Most popular films came out. The First was the Genre breaking Film Star Wars, and the other was Olivia Newton John in Grease the Musical. We all admired the part of the Grease Monkey in the Leather Jacket. My Older brother, Charles, would flick his hair back with a Comb, and sing Lines from the film. I cannot remember all of those great songs now.
I like the new Girl who had just moved in next door, Sarah, admired the Beautiful Blonde, Sandy, played by Olivia Newton John. My brother would give me all of the wrotten parts, so as we had no one to act the female role, my brother gave me the part of Sandy. I was in heaven, because my secret desire, and inside feeling of being Girl was being met for the first time. I imagined that I was Sandy.
In other ways too at Primary School, I got to be a Girl too. British Primary School Childhood Games include, ofBritish BullDog 1-2-3, a Version of Tag. The Girls would play Hopskotch with Chalk, and skipping ropes, and Hula Hoops around the waist and Jacks. The Game Kiss Chase was perhaps a bit adult, but once the Girls got all of the Boys to participate. This confused me because I did not know what Group to Join. I knew externally I was a boy, but internally felt like a Girl. I insisted, to CP , the Leader of the Girls Group, that I could join the Girls Group as I felt like a Girl. To my amazement, after much arm twisting, she said, yes,'On the condition that I would be a Spy for the Girls' about the activities of the boys and there plans. I was therefore to be an 'Honorary Girl'. This kind of made sense, and I was pleased that I had gained a new found identity and status.
The next Cool film to come out was," Star Wars". There was so much excitement and expectation because of George Lucas, Ground breaking CCI effects. All of the Media interest meant long queues which often went around the block at every cinema, and they were all overbooked and sold out with demand. My mum, would not let me go to see it, until she relented and I went with my best friends as large Group of Nine year old Boys to the Odeon in Brighton.
I had an unfair advantage, in that I brought the Comic Star Wars and secretly read the plot before I saw the film. The edition of the Comic, was about Princess Leia, and her escape from the Evil Darth Vadar. There was this Comic Stip sequence where she escapes onto an freighter, hotly pursued, by Storm Troopers. She flees down a Corridor, in her White Dress, and then a Storm Trooper fires his Laser rifle at her. The next sequence sees the shot entering her left Breast, and her collapsing to the Floor, unconciousess. That night when I went to bed, I dreamed that I was Princess Leia, rather than Luke or Hans Solo. It was a very surreal dream, and then when I awoke in the morning, I felt let down, because I had not turned into a Woman..... End of Part One.
